Feminist and Submissive

Also available in German
Feministisch und Devot

If you’re a feminist, you’re unlikely to be submissive in bed. With this topic, one would think we hit a nerve of contradictions, but I say – no way -. Whoever claims that self-determined, strong women should not allow themselves to be submitted in bed because it does not correspond to their “political” attitude has, in my opinion, no idea what freedom really means. The freedom to be quite clear about one’s attitude and to give in to one’s desires and needs unrestricted, without worrying about whether one is just fulfilling any societal expectations or gender stereotypes.

After an intensive research, it did not escape my attention how controversial it was discussed and how downright extremist opinions emerged among those who found sexual devotion completely ambivalent and mentioned these women disapprovingly in their statements. “Women, stop submitting yourself during sex!”- Sounds almost like a declaration of war, especially when we consider that sex is about a playful exchange of two or more individuals. Of course, I had to face this “contradiction” myself a few times with contemptuous looks. But why does the image of the strong, independent woman and the submissive woman who craves obedience not fit together for most people?

Outdated role models

Looking at our role distribution, which was shaped by patriarchy, explains a lot. For a long time, female pleasure was denied, let alone acted out satisfyingly, and there was no, let me call it, “free space” to become aware of it. After all, the man and the fulfillment of his needs came first. From a woman’s point of view, sex was not actively co-created and automatically slipped into a defensive function. For this reason, women, in particular, often cannot imagine wanting to return to this function voluntarily.

But the point is that a woman who knows her needs and desires will confidently demand these from her partners. And if she wishes to be beaten and humiliated in the process, then this only serves her satisfaction. So it is the complete opposite of a defensive function. One could even claim that the submissive position holds power because, in the end, it is the one that determines boundaries and allows the dominant partner to go only so far without crossing those boundaries. Mutual respect and agreements are, therefore, a basic requirement.

A personal story

When I got to know and love my submissive role back then, I was anything but prepared for it and skeptical at first. On Craigslist, a painter was looking for a new model for his project. I was curious and responded to his ad. After exchanging numbers and leaving the Craigslist portal, he wrote me non-stop and insistently. He asked me many personal questions and tested me for his purpose: finding a submissive partner. Everything happened via text messages. He wrote things like, “When you come over, you do what I say.”, “My little whore.” and “I’m going to choke you and spank you before I let you suck my cock.” I remember initially thinking, “How the hell is he talking to me” and, simultaneously, noticing how turned on I was. I haven’t even seen the guy live yet, but I got so wet from this kind of coonversation. It worried me, on the one hand, and aroused me at the same time. I didn’t know how to deal with these feelings and why they triggered something like this. And, of course, I questioned and criticized myself heavily because I perceive myself as an emancipated woman who in no way lets herself be called a whore or a slave, let alone willingly submit or even let herself be beaten or strangled.

But I did all this with such great ambition that I felt finally alive. I became the Submissive Slave, subjecting myself to all my Master’s punishments and rewards with pleasure. In retrospect, I am very grateful for this experience because it made me deal with my hidden needs to find out that pleasure connected to submission and pain is a welcome combination, at least for me. However, it doesn’t mean that this is the only way I climax or solely live out my submissive side. But it triggers something deep inside me that I can share with certain people. My feminist side is completely integrated, because I know what I want and express that, because I feel the urge to let myself be humiliated and to do so in a completely self-determined way.

Searching for traces of one’s own desire

Of course, various factors such as personal experience, cultural norms, and social circumstances play a decisive role in whether one can or wants to submit at all. However, many women have noticed at the latest after “Fifty Shades of Grey” that it somehow turns them on to be dominated in bed. I didn’t find this film particularly appealing, though, because it serves too many stereotypical clichés. In this context, I would like to refer to the movie “Secretary,” where you clearly understand the submissive and strong attitude of the female main character, where the sub is the driving force. The male lead also plays an important role, distancing from mainstream dominance and the submission of women in a disrespectful way. He takes responsibility without exploiting it; this is about a mutual fulfillment of desires at eye level, which can only be fulfilled by both sides being clear about what serves their personal satisfaction: to the submissive part, the complete relinquishment of control and obedience, to the dominant part, the assumption of control and superiority.

If you call yourself a feminist and have difficulty dealing with the submissive role on a sexual level because you consider it passive and politically incorrect, then you should go a little deeper into yourself and ask yourself why this triggers such a negative backlash. Being submissive means being sexually self-determined, knowing what you like, and being able to communicate openly. It is an unbelievably liberating and empowering feeling to be in this self-created space, entering consensually into a terrain that sets no limits to living out shared pleasure.