Essays

Slow Sex – The beauty of taking time 

Slow sex is a real enrichment in all aspects of life; this allows us to step more fully into ourselves, become clear about our wishes and needs and transfer these to our partners.

By Anne Lomberg on August 1, 2023 -
Updated on October 21, 2023

Also available in German
Slow Sex – Durch Entschleunigung zu mehr Achtsamkeit

If there is one thing we have realized in our stressful everyday lives -torn between overstimulation and deadlines to be met- we want to experience all the more relaxation in bed. The origins of Slow Sex lie in Tantra and Orgasmic Meditation and draw attention precisely to the deficit in terms of stress and performance thoughts during sex in order to achieve more mindfulness through deceleration. The main point is to get rid of the orgasm fixation and to consciously take time to perceive your own body as well as the body of your partner.

So if we focus more on the process of shared sexuality with everything that goes with it, starting with tender touches, getting wet resp. stiff until the final thrust, rather than on the orgasm itself, a whole new awareness and body sensation emerges. Instead of considering climax as the ultimate release and detachment from stressful everyday life, it’s about “feeling into oneself,” celebrating the moment with the bundled perceptions that too often get lost along the way and compromise the sense of true sensations.

Switch off is the motto

Probably the most important point in slow sex is to leave everyday thoughts behind and get involved in the moment, focus on what I am perceiving right now, what triggers it in me, and what feels particularly good. Freeing oneself from performance thoughts also plays an important role by not worrying about how I look or what I do next so that he or she can best climax.

Practicing mindful sex starts with awareness, being present in the here and now, engaging 100% with the other person, feeling yourself, breathing deeply and slowly, freeing yourself from thoughts, and noticing every single emotion to finally connect. This connection to the self and the partner brings new experiences and stronger sensations. It also takes a bit of courage, at least if you struggle with presenting your vulnerable side, to face the moment with a clear eye instead of performing quickly and passionately.

Stimulate and deprive senses

A beautiful experience of practicing Slow Sex can be sensory deprivation. By being blindfolded, for example, and then responding to touches that are unpredictable and thus feel especially intense. Naked and blindfolded to your partner, you probably won’t think about the next business meeting but where the next touch will lead or how good it will feel. Stimulating more senses with relaxing music or temperature games can also be very exciting. The only thing that matters is that the phone is off, and time and spatial awareness are unavailable.

When I think of slow sex, I imagine mutual massages, truly exploring my partner’s body, closely observing at which moments his facial expression changes or perhaps a little moan escapes, the gradual build-up of arousal with finger and tongue play, finding each other between longing looks, crowned by a highly fulfilling orgasm, which, at least in this case, I do not make dependent on me, but provide solely for him. Penetration is not excluded; slow and deep movements make the difference to heavy thrusts.

In an older article, I talked about edging. Here’s a brief explanation: While in edging, I stop all touches shortly before orgasm and start all over again, in slow sex, as the name suggests, the orgasm builds slowly, and it is also not a basic requirement that there is an orgasm at all. What is important is the feeling in the present moment, being aware and perceiving the touch and what it triggers in you.

Redefining long-term relationships

Slow sex is a real enrichment in all aspects of life; this allows us to step more fully into ourselves, become clear about our wishes and needs and transfer these to our partners. Of course, as always, communication plays an all-important role because only then can we live out our desire freely and self-determined.

If you think you know your partner inside out in a relationship that has been going on for more than 5 years, you should establish slow sex to visualize that the journey of exploration is far from over. How could it be when most don’t even know themselves and the process of further development is always ongoing? By this, I mean that perhaps I would never have thought I might enjoy anal stimulation a few years ago, but now it gives me the best orgasms ever. In the same way, couples in relationships evolve, and touching in some regions may feel better now than before because they have opened up and made themselves accessible to those sensations.

Quick and passionate is always good and usually satisfying when one is suddenly overcome with desire for the other person. Nevertheless, now and then, we should pause, and be aware of the present moment, play with the desire instead of giving into it immediately, to then build up a deeper intimacy that does not let vulnerabilities or fears pass by carelessly but rather perceive them with full awareness and sensitize them through touch.

Slow sex allows us to refocus on what’s important and free ourselves from daily worries. After all, most of us define “sex as a stress valve,” which can be acted out in many ways and provide quick, strong satisfaction as well as long-term, intense satisfaction, which in turn depends on the nature of the act and how much we engage with our own needs as well as those of our counterpart.

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