Virtual Pleasure – On Porn in our Society

Also available in German
Virtuelle Lust

Let’s be honest: Do you watch porn and talk about it openly? Probably not, because pornography is still stigmatized in our society and often equated with immorality. The very word pornography triggers something provocative, almost aggressive, a word etymologically derived from ancient Greek meaning indecent representation. It is also no coincidence that the Greek term “pòrnē” translated whore evokes negative associations in connection with porn. But can’t pornography also have a positive effect and establish itself in our society as a visual work of art by acting out pleasure in a consensual and aesthetically sophisticated way and by allowing viewers to define their own desires and needs better?

I have read the book Pornopositiv by Paulita Pappel, and I agree with some aspects of her thesis when it comes to establishing sexual self-determination as a basic human right, providing better education in our society, and not looking for the cause of the problem in pornography. However, I’m also somewhat ambivalent about individual consumption of porn because it inevitably changes our relationship to intimacy and sex, just like the constant switching of social media news on our smartphones. What may be true for some with an, I’ll call it, healthy porn consumption is an illusion for many others; because erotic content is available on the Internet 24 hours a day, quickly and easily. There is not only a visual overstimulation but also a surreal illustration of sex, at least as far as the freely accessible porn on the Internet is concerned. I’m not talking about feminist porn or ethically consumable porn, but all the movies you can easily Google by picking your favorite fetish according to the mood of the day. Also, I see the potential of numbness, which can be associated with wrongly chosen and too frequent porn consumption, especially if we are talking about people who don’t communicate their feelings openly, and there are far too many of them. The danger that results, and this has already been scientifically proven, is that people are less likely to share real intimacy and more likely to engage with virtual images.

What pornography has to do with self-determination

Pornography can be an exciting tool when it comes to getting inspiration or discovering which images are particularly arousing. Paulita describes it as a safe space to enjoy fantasies when you differentiate between things that turn you on in front of the screen and what is actually acted out in reality. She interprets this as a healthy way to deal with pornography. I have mixed feelings; on the one hand, I say yes when it comes to “unethical fantasies” that are better lived out only in secrecy; on the other hand, I think it’s wrong. Isn’t it more about living out fantasies uninhibitedly without shame and the feeling of “oh no, this might be wrong,” but actually turns me on and to communicate this with fellow human beings who are directly affected by it and at best to share? What good is it if I bring myself to climax alone with porn but can not communicate my fantasies to my partner? Then it becomes a very lonely pleasure, won’t it?

Of course, I’m totally in favor of masturbation and engaging with your lust. Nevertheless, the delineation of the desires and needs that I want to share with my partner plays an important role here that should not be underestimated. Since sexuality is a large part of our identity, I would almost rate her statement as inauthentic. While it’s nice to be able to find the scope for not lived-out fantasies in porn, it also takes away a lot of your freedom, namely the freedom of truly living out those fantasies, not only with yourself but with the people you love.

Making self-determined decisions about one’s sexuality and porn consumption is another story that I think many people are not aware of. For this reason, I would always put the sex-positive thought before the porn-positive because only people who can distinguish truth from fiction, who are aware of their sexual preferences, are people who should consume porn, at least when we talk about all the stuff that’s found on the Internet. If we talk about feminist porn like Paulita produces, this still represents a small niche. Her educational work and all the insights she provides with her book Pornopositiv are really good. Still, I criticize the one-sided, somewhat naive perception of a very self-confident woman who knows exactly how to make self-determined decisions. I think these self-determined decisions are something most are not aware of when it comes to pornography, so it can be easy to overconsume or disconnect from genuine emotions. That’s why I think porn should only be consumed as a stimulant and renegotiated in constant dialogue with oneself. Process the fantasies first, perceive the arousal, and figure out what the arousal triggers, then go into communication with your body and the feeling that results.

Enrichment in relationships

In relationships, watching pornography together can be quite inspiring in terms of understanding your partner’s desires and needs, as well as making everyday life a little more exciting. It may also be a good choice if you are one of those who have difficulty expressing their sexual desires openly. In general, I am an absolute fan of the integration of any fantasies in a relationship to be able to live out the whole thing sensually in a playful, protected setting. I also know that the sex work community are the most open people of all, who have no problems talking about their preferences and boundaries (after all, they are professionals), thereby awakening trust and encouraging a change in thinking. But I’m concerned about the viewers, those who don’t find it so easy to talk about feelings, those who have to do an enormous amount of reprocessing to get to that point in the first place.

Would there be only paid porn that viewers with subscriptions could access, I think that would be the right step towards a porn-positive society, but as long as everyone can get free porn on a whim, we are still far from this positive experience.