Essays

Know your pleasure

Female pleasure is getting more and more attention, and we are able to pass on this positive energy, to our friends, to our partners, to our children, and ourselves.

By Anne Lomberg on June 26, 2023 -
Updated on October 21, 2023

Also available in German
Keine deine Lust

Let’s face it, talking openly about sex and pleasure stirs up different emotions, most associated with shame. Although sex is a basic need, like sleeping and eating, we prefer to communicate this part of our lives in silence due to cultural ideologies, insufficient education, and the message of the essential insignificance of our pleasure. Yet we now know the importance of acting out sexual pleasure and the positive effects orgasms have on our bodies and minds.

In our history of female sexuality, we repeatedly encounter discriminatory contexts of our sexual organs. For example, the uterus was blamed for physical and mental illnesses. The Greeks gave it the name hysteria, which translated means uterus. In the Middle Ages, female genitals were considered repulsive, they called it Pudere (to be ashamed of), and since then, it has been considered a source of disease, poor health, anxiety, and depression; a breeding ground for long-term effects on the female future was created that persists to this day. While we have made significant progress in our thinking, a more advanced way of teaching, acting out, and communicating sexuality, there is still a major deficit when we look at female pleasure, starting with the basics of the female anatomy.

Clitoris as a pleasure organ

The clitoris is the most sensitive part of the female body, that part that plays an essential role during sex, that part where most women reach orgasm and is not, as assumed, brought about solely by vaginal penetration. We see only a small piece of this organ externally, enclosed by the clitoral hood. The rest is located inside our vagina. Did you know that the G-spot is your clitoris stimulated from the inside? The erectile tissue of the inner clitoris enlarges during arousal and presses against the front wall of the vagina, so that orgasm can occur. However, most sensations come from the clitoral glans, the outer part of the so-called “clit”; therefore, we should deal with this organ better and integrate it more during sex.

False myths about the female anatomy highlight how difficult it is for us to perceive our sexual organs as something beautiful, not to mention knowing it at all. Many women live in relationships without dealing with their pleasure and experience this as completely normal. They don’t even talk about how they can change or improve their sex life. It’s pretty shocking when you think about it, but also not surprising when we look at our society and include cultural scripts on how to behave sexually. As a result, many women have never experienced orgasm, not because they are faking it, but because they don’t know what it even feels like.

Here are a few interesting facts about the different orgasms a woman can have. There’s the clitoral orgasm, which is effective for most women. Then there is the vaginal orgasm through penetration or sex toys. There are mixed orgasms, for example, from a combination of vaginal and clitoral stimulation or vaginal, clitoral, and anal stimulation. There is the anal orgasm, and there is squirting. Squirting stimulates the urethral sponge, causing fluid to be secreted. It’s impressive to think about how many ways we can climax by knowing more about our anatomy and pleasure ourselves.

Masturbation

Have you ever heard of interoception? Interoception is part of sensitivity that detects processes from inside the body, which means that you are able to recognize the first signs of arousal and know what feels good and not so good. That’s why masturbation is so important to understand what’s happening inside you, what feels most pleasurable to you, and how best to climax.

Sex toys are helpful tools at your disposal to understand better and explore your pleasure. In doing so, it can be overwhelming when we look at the enormous market of sex toys, leaving you overwhelmed as to where even to begin. Here, I’ll give you a few guidelines on how to buy sex toys to equip yourself little by little.

  • Start with lay-on vibrators: Lay-on vibrators are a great way to begin your personal sex toy experience slowly, without inserting anything. We distinguish between classic vibration and air pulse technology. You can try both and then decide for yourself what feels better. I’m more into vibrations because I like the feeling of knowing when an orgasm is building without being surprised from one climax to the next, as happens with air pulse technology; this is because it stimulates your clit with pressure waves instead of vibrations
  • If you want to involve your vagina and stimulate the clit simultaneously, you should try a rabbit vibrator. The advantage, you can vary and experiment according to your mood. Most rabbit vibrators have two motors, so you can control the vibrations individually
  • If you are looking for a vibrator that you can use with your partner, I recommend hands-free vibrators. These types of vibrators can be inserted and used for penetration simultaneously. They are discreet in design, stimulate your clit as well as G-spot, and your partner also benefits from the vibrations
  • Not a fan of vibrators? No problem. The sex toy market offers a huge selection of dildos; you just have to decide on the material, design, and size. I prefer glass dildos because I like the texture, which visually awakens many fantasies
  • Now you have already gained some experience with different types of sex toys, and you are ready to try anal. When it comes to anal toys, you should start with smaller models to get a first feeling and not overwhelm yourself. It’s important that an anal plug always has a base so that it doesn’t disappear in your butt. I also highly recommend lube for anal plug-play

Communication is key

Know your body, know your pleasure, and be open about it. Sex is important for our well-being and unjustly deserves a ban on silence. Female pleasure is getting more and more attention, and we are able to pass on this positive energy, to our friends, to our partners, to our children, and ourselves. Talk about your desires and needs without shame because sexual wellness is finally socially acceptable, and we should celebrate it with the knowledge that it makes us happier, healthier, and more confident.

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